Measuring how long bells will bong ...

I haven't cribbed a story from CNN's Offbeat section in a while. Here's one that is more interesting (to me) than offbeat:

VIENNA, Austria (Reuters) -- With the precision of a surgeon, Andreas Rupp carefully wraps sensor strips around a 21-ton bell in Vienna's famous St Stephen's Cathedral.

Europe's second-largest bell, nicknamed Pummerin, is one of several famous bells across the continent being checked to determine their life spans, and unlock the secret of the optimum chime.

Using acceleration sensors and echo microphones, the sensor strips are like electro-cardiograms that determine the health of human hearts, Rupp said.

"The Pummerin is well," determines Rupp, a project scientist and professor at the Polytechnic College in the German city of Kempten. "We just want to know how long it can be healthy and if there is any risk she could crack like so many others."

Hamburg's Millennium Bell has undergone the examination, and bells in Paris' Notre Dame Cathedral and London's St. Paul's Cathedral -- which British partners in the project favored over Big Ben in the Houses of Parliament -- are lined up as the next patients.

The project was triggered by a debate 10 years ago among bell-makers who wanted to determine if bell clappers were hitting the right spot.

Every time a clapper hits, it causes a slight deformation and strains the metal, mostly bronze or bronze alloys. Experts say the location and force of the clapper's hit -- as well as what it is made of -- will have an effect. The sensors record how hard the hit, how deformed the bell is, and its chime.

Dangers also lurk in modernization, they add.

Churches opting for mechanical, even computerized systems over human ringers might shorten their bells' lifespan, some say. Others think a switch from softer clappers to steel ones about 100 years ago has added to the damage.

"Many fear historic bells could be damaged severely or even destroyed by this new way of ringing," Rupp said.
Human ears needed

"Computers chime the bells as they were programmed to do. Humans can always use their hearing, and go 'oh, that didn't sound so nice,' or 'ouch, that was much too hard'," he said.

In the past it would have taken about 10 people to chime the Pummerin, but now it happens at the flick of a switch. Since the bell has only been in action for around 50 years, it might still have plenty of bongs in it yet.

Its predecessor was cast in 1711 with metal from cannon balls used by the Turks during an unsuccessful siege of the city in 1683, but was destroyed in World War Two.

The current bell was cast from remainders of the old one and new material in 1952.

Even if the Pummerin is a youngster in bell terms, Peter Grassmayr, a 14th-generation bell-founder and the Austrian partner in the project, has no doubt about its destiny.

"One day or another, every bell will crack," said Grassmayr standing next to the bell, which spans more than 3 meters and is nearly the same height. "We simply hope to extend their life span with our project."

Sparing usage can also work in a bell's favor. Many great bells -- like Big Ben in the Houses of Parliament in London -- ring daily or hourly but the Pummerin only chimes on special occasions, like high church days, the death of a pope or at midnight on New Year's Eve.

For Austrians themselves, the Pummerin is not just a bell but a symbol of their identity that marks big events throughout their lives, said the dome's priest Toni Faber.

"It is a voice of freedom, a voice of hardship, a voice of hope and a voice of a new life," he said, proudly glancing at the Pummerin. "I can hear all that when I hear the Pummerin."

Have you heard about B Flat?

I just discovered a most interesting NPR story that first aired on February 16th (my sweetie's birthday!). Here's their blurb on this audio story:

For reasons that remain mostly mysterious, the note we call "B flat" does the oddest things. It aggravates alligators, it lurks in the stairwell of an office building, and it emanates from a supermassive black hole 250 million light years from Earth.

Listen and be delighted: Have You Heard about B Flat?

Drunk gets the munchies!

from MSNBC:

A Russian man stopped by police for allegedly driving drunk tried to swallow his keys and then bit an officer who tried to retrieve them, a Russian news agency reported Tuesday.

Don't mess with a hungry Russian!

247 of what?

If I imagine eating 247 of ANY thing (except maybe Pringles), all I can think is: OUCH!

From the AP:

Man eats 247 jalapenos to win contest

A 62-year-old retired accountant from Nevada swallowed 247 peppers in eight minutes to win the Jalapeno Eating World Championship at the State Fair of Texas.

Richard LeFevre won $2,000 for prevailing in Sunday's contest, which was sponsored by the International Federation of Competitive Eating.

"I love to eat, and I love to compete, so the two go pretty well together," said LeFevre, the world's eighth-ranked eater according to the federation.

LeFevre, who has also won the fair's World Corny Dog Eating Contest three times, said his winning strategy was to mix three or four peppers in his mouth with a swig of milk before swallowing.

LeFevre was one of four professional eaters who took the top four places in the competition.

Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas said she had never eaten a jalapeno before the contest. Ranked third in the world by the federation, she downed 239 peppers to take second place and $1,000 in prize money.

Christopher Huang, of Arlington, entered the competition even though he doesn't normally eat spicy foods.

"I eat mild salsa," Huang said. "But there's nothing like putting yourself through a lot of pain for no reason."

The 26-year-old required several minutes of recovery time after eating 53 jalapenos.

"I cant feel my face," he said when he was able to speak again.

Dr. Daniel DeMarco, a gastroenterologist and director of endoscopy at Baylor University Medical Center at Dallas, said the amount of jalapenos consumed in an eating contest is more harmful than the burn.

"It's really pretty stupid," DeMarco said. "Like any sort of abuse of your body, it doesn't make any sense."

He said long-term complications are unlikely, but there are some risks.

"If they get sick, they're going to be vomiting it up, and that can cause esophageal tears," he said.

Who can say it like him?

Do or do not. There is no try.

--Yoda, 'The Empire Strikes Back'

Bliggity's new O-FISH-UHL SEAL

Generated where else? -- the Official Seal Generator! Check it out -- it's FUN!

Kicked out!

It's pretty tough when you're kicked out of an elite club of nine.

Read this succinct little article:

PRAGUE, Czech Republic — Leading astronomers have declared that Pluto is no longer a planet in approving new guidelines that downsize the solar system from nine planets to eight.

The END.

Bye, Pluto. Sorry you can't be in the club anymore.

Rocky and Bullwinkle go ASCII

I LOVE Rocky and Bullwinkle! Check out this site for some fun ASCII artwork.

Is hell exothermic or endothermic?

[from an email I received]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat).

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct .. leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

Punnies for Friday

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and gotmarried. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent fifteen different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Patches the Horse

http://www.prezence.com/images/PatchestheHorse1.wmv

'Tis the season

From USAToday:

Gold teeth donated to Salvation Army kettle

YORK, Pa. (AP) — The Salvation Army is starting to get used to golden rings appearing in its red kettles. But gold teeth?

A worker tallying collections Thursday found a pair of golden molars in a plastic bag inside a kettle, said Maj. Darren Mudge of the non-profit organization in York County.

"I have no clue what we are going to do with them," Mudge said. "It's a wonderful gesture, I guess."

Less than two weeks ago, Salvation Army workers wondered if three golden rings placed in two kettles were generous donations or lost items.

Mudge joked at the time that workers would keep checking for two more rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.

Then, two more golden rings appeared. Followed by 13 more. That's an unprecedented 18 so far this year.

"I think people have picked up on it, and now it's a trend," Mudge said.

In Lancaster County, the Salvation Army has received five or six golden rings this year, Maj. Timothy Lyle said.

Lyle said the Lancaster County agency hasn't received teeth this year but has in years past. Gold dental parts are not as valuable as coins and rings, he said, but can still be exchanged for money.

The talking clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong? " one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock, " the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? " asked his astonished friend.

"Yup, " replied the drunk.

"How's it work? " the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch, " the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

Destructive Disease

CDC Warning

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years.

Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic
overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

Sad heart: Obituary

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, pass it on to someone who kneads it.

Now you never need to stop drinking...

From Reuters:

BERLIN (Reuters) - Fans of non-stop drinking may soon be able to cut down on time wasted ordering refills, thanks to a beer coaster that can tell when a glass is empty.

The coaster, fitted with sensors, measures the weight of the beer and sends a signal behind the bar when it's time for a refill.

Anxious drinkers can also attract the attention of staff by waving the plastic mat, thanks to a motion sensor.

It was invented by students Matthias Hahnen and Robert Doerr for a project at the University of Saarbruecken in southwest Germany.

The device has attracted the attention of beer vendors in North America, including a leading Canadian brewer, according to Michael Schmitz, one of the supervisors of the project.

"They wanted to know if they could use it or make it themselves," he said. "The prototype cost about 84 euros to make one but if mass produced, it could be done for around 10 euros."

Extra-terrestrial congress

from Reuters:

One minute Jonathan Reed was hiking with his golden retriever in a forest in Seattle. The next, his pet was being torn apart by a "gray" -- an alien being with an elongated head, smelling of rotting fruit.

A scene from a sci-fi film? No, maintains Reed, a former child-developmental psychologist who says he took the alien home and lived with it for nine days in which it communicated via telepathy and was able to pull thoughts from his mind.

Reed and others -- including Uruguayan Rafael Ulloa who says aliens in spaceships spirited away people from New York's twin towers in the September 11, 2001, attacks -- gather in Lima this week for a world extra-terrestrial congress...

'DETECTING THE VISITORS'

Seeing isn't always believing. Wendelle Stevens, a retired U.S. Air Force colonel, said he believed in aliens after having investigated 100 cases, despite never having seen any himself.

Stevens, thought to have the largest archive of photographs of alleged UFOs in the world, says he worked from 1947-49 in Alaska with B-29 planes fitted with special scientific instruments to "detect the visitors."

...Aliens enthusiasts and UFO spotters are used to raised eyebrows, ridicule and worse. Reed says he was shot after his alien encounter and blames a "government faction which doesn't want this information out."

But his close encounter with the alien with slanting eyes and a slit mouth "proved to me we are living in a much bigger universe," he said.

You know, I tend not to believe in extra-terrestrial visitors, but then there's the old saying, "Where's there's smoke, there's fire." Hmm.

Have you ever seen such swirls?!?!?

I saw this photo and thought,"Wow!"

It's like sculpting with hair ... or hairy cake frosting!

Yowzer!

Katrina and dentures

A funny story from this site:

"These four guys walk in looking for a family member and at one point the subject of dentures comes up. The following monologue, which had everyone
rolling on the floor clutching themselves with laughter, from one of the four men took place:"

"Man, you fink FEMA gonna hep me ged thome new teef? I thaw my dendures floading away in da thtawm. I thweah man, I can' harly ea' nuffin. Dey wath givin ou' ham thamicheth da ova day. Me an' dith ova guy wath ea-in' nem. Took him ten minute ea' hith thamich. Took me foday-fahv minute ea' mine! I thweah' man. You fink da federa' gubnent goin hep me git thome teef back? Man, I can' ea' no cawn, no threemp. Ith terribew man, terribew."

wHAt wILl tHEY thINK oF nExT??

Here's what someone thought of (care of BoingBoing):

New spray laminates dog turds so they don't squish when you scoop

Dog Poo Spray is the winning entry in this year's Student of the Year award at London's Central Saint Martins College. Dog Poo Spray laminates your dog's shit to a stick so that you don't need to scoop it up with a baggie and feel it squish revoltingly between your fingers. The contest was sponsored by the aerosols industry.