Dubious distinctions!

[The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions]

To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.

To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words "Henry Smith." His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very bright young man."

To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.

To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered 'round her coffin in a New York funeral parlor, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.

To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate toVictoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved on to intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a nonsmoking compartment.

what 100 years will do

Some U.S. statistics from 1905, only 100 years ago:

• The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
• Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
• Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
• A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
• There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of pavedroads.
• The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
• Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavilypopulated than California.
• With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
• The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
• The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
• The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. Acompetent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist$2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, anda mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
• More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
• Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education.Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned inthe press and by the government as "substandard."
• Sugar cost four cents a pound.
• Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
• Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
• Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or eggyolks for shampoo.
• Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the countryfor any reason.
• The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
  1. Pneumonia and influenza
  2. Tuberculosis
  3. Diarrhea
  4. Heart disease
  5. Stroke
• The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii,and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
• The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!!!
• Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
• There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
• Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
• Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
• Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.
  According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact,a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking!)
• Eighteen percent of households in the U.S had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
• There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.