'Tis the season

From USAToday:

Gold teeth donated to Salvation Army kettle

YORK, Pa. (AP) — The Salvation Army is starting to get used to golden rings appearing in its red kettles. But gold teeth?

A worker tallying collections Thursday found a pair of golden molars in a plastic bag inside a kettle, said Maj. Darren Mudge of the non-profit organization in York County.

"I have no clue what we are going to do with them," Mudge said. "It's a wonderful gesture, I guess."

Less than two weeks ago, Salvation Army workers wondered if three golden rings placed in two kettles were generous donations or lost items.

Mudge joked at the time that workers would keep checking for two more rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.

Then, two more golden rings appeared. Followed by 13 more. That's an unprecedented 18 so far this year.

"I think people have picked up on it, and now it's a trend," Mudge said.

In Lancaster County, the Salvation Army has received five or six golden rings this year, Maj. Timothy Lyle said.

Lyle said the Lancaster County agency hasn't received teeth this year but has in years past. Gold dental parts are not as valuable as coins and rings, he said, but can still be exchanged for money.

The talking clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong? " one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock, " the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? " asked his astonished friend.

"Yup, " replied the drunk.

"How's it work? " the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch, " the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

Destructive Disease

CDC Warning

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years.

Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic
overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

Sad heart: Obituary

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, pass it on to someone who kneads it.

Now you never need to stop drinking...

From Reuters:

BERLIN (Reuters) - Fans of non-stop drinking may soon be able to cut down on time wasted ordering refills, thanks to a beer coaster that can tell when a glass is empty.

The coaster, fitted with sensors, measures the weight of the beer and sends a signal behind the bar when it's time for a refill.

Anxious drinkers can also attract the attention of staff by waving the plastic mat, thanks to a motion sensor.

It was invented by students Matthias Hahnen and Robert Doerr for a project at the University of Saarbruecken in southwest Germany.

The device has attracted the attention of beer vendors in North America, including a leading Canadian brewer, according to Michael Schmitz, one of the supervisors of the project.

"They wanted to know if they could use it or make it themselves," he said. "The prototype cost about 84 euros to make one but if mass produced, it could be done for around 10 euros."

Extra-terrestrial congress

from Reuters:

One minute Jonathan Reed was hiking with his golden retriever in a forest in Seattle. The next, his pet was being torn apart by a "gray" -- an alien being with an elongated head, smelling of rotting fruit.

A scene from a sci-fi film? No, maintains Reed, a former child-developmental psychologist who says he took the alien home and lived with it for nine days in which it communicated via telepathy and was able to pull thoughts from his mind.

Reed and others -- including Uruguayan Rafael Ulloa who says aliens in spaceships spirited away people from New York's twin towers in the September 11, 2001, attacks -- gather in Lima this week for a world extra-terrestrial congress...

'DETECTING THE VISITORS'

Seeing isn't always believing. Wendelle Stevens, a retired U.S. Air Force colonel, said he believed in aliens after having investigated 100 cases, despite never having seen any himself.

Stevens, thought to have the largest archive of photographs of alleged UFOs in the world, says he worked from 1947-49 in Alaska with B-29 planes fitted with special scientific instruments to "detect the visitors."

...Aliens enthusiasts and UFO spotters are used to raised eyebrows, ridicule and worse. Reed says he was shot after his alien encounter and blames a "government faction which doesn't want this information out."

But his close encounter with the alien with slanting eyes and a slit mouth "proved to me we are living in a much bigger universe," he said.

You know, I tend not to believe in extra-terrestrial visitors, but then there's the old saying, "Where's there's smoke, there's fire." Hmm.

Have you ever seen such swirls?!?!?

I saw this photo and thought,"Wow!"

It's like sculpting with hair ... or hairy cake frosting!

Yowzer!

Katrina and dentures

A funny story from this site:

"These four guys walk in looking for a family member and at one point the subject of dentures comes up. The following monologue, which had everyone
rolling on the floor clutching themselves with laughter, from one of the four men took place:"

"Man, you fink FEMA gonna hep me ged thome new teef? I thaw my dendures floading away in da thtawm. I thweah man, I can' harly ea' nuffin. Dey wath givin ou' ham thamicheth da ova day. Me an' dith ova guy wath ea-in' nem. Took him ten minute ea' hith thamich. Took me foday-fahv minute ea' mine! I thweah' man. You fink da federa' gubnent goin hep me git thome teef back? Man, I can' ea' no cawn, no threemp. Ith terribew man, terribew."

wHAt wILl tHEY thINK oF nExT??

Here's what someone thought of (care of BoingBoing):

New spray laminates dog turds so they don't squish when you scoop

Dog Poo Spray is the winning entry in this year's Student of the Year award at London's Central Saint Martins College. Dog Poo Spray laminates your dog's shit to a stick so that you don't need to scoop it up with a baggie and feel it squish revoltingly between your fingers. The contest was sponsored by the aerosols industry.

In honor of the FIRST moon landing 25 years ago

Look, look! See what the moon is REALLY made of when you look closely!
(Thanks to Google at this site.)

Dubious distinctions!

[The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions]

To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.

To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words "Henry Smith." His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very bright young man."

To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.

To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered 'round her coffin in a New York funeral parlor, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.

To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate toVictoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved on to intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a nonsmoking compartment.

what 100 years will do

Some U.S. statistics from 1905, only 100 years ago:

• The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
• Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
• Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
• A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
• There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of pavedroads.
• The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
• Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavilypopulated than California.
• With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
• The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
• The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
• The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. Acompetent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist$2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, anda mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
• More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
• Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education.Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned inthe press and by the government as "substandard."
• Sugar cost four cents a pound.
• Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
• Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
• Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or eggyolks for shampoo.
• Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the countryfor any reason.
• The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
  1. Pneumonia and influenza
  2. Tuberculosis
  3. Diarrhea
  4. Heart disease
  5. Stroke
• The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii,and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
• The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!!!
• Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
• There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
• Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
• Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
• Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.
  According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact,a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking!)
• Eighteen percent of households in the U.S had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
• There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

Some comedic one-liners

These are all from a well-known comedian who I've never heard of, a-hhhemm, Steven Wright:

• Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up

... and my personal favorite: My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

with a shout-out to brother-in-law, Paul, for these.

Happy Birthday Twinkie!

The Twinkie celebrates 75 golden years

This month, the little cream-filled, yellow spongecake celebrates its 75th birthday -- and no, it's not because the same ones have been on the shelf for that long. That's just one of the urban myths surrounding the snack cakes that were invented in 1930.

Back then, James Dewar, manager of Chicago's Continental Bakery, wanted to find another use for his company's shortcake pans. He decided to fill the small, oblong cakes with a banana-cream filling and name them after the ''Twinkle Toe'' shoes he saw on a billboard in St. Louis. Banana cream-filled Twinkies -- selling two for a nickel -- debuted as part of the Hostess baked-goods line. During World War II, when there was a banana shortage, the filling flavor changed to vanilla.

By the 1950s, Twinkies had become a school lunchbox staple. In 1999, President Clinton and the White House Millennium Council selected the Twinkie to be preserved in the nation's millennium time capsule, calling it an enduring American icon.

Nutritionists scoff at them for being fatty and sugary, but that doesn't keep Hostess from turning out about 1,000 per minute. And just in case you wondered exactly how that happens, the cakes are baked for 10 minutes, then the cream filling is injected through three holes in the top, which is browned from baking. The cake is flipped before packaging, so the rounded yellow bottom becomes the top.

The Twinkie factory is still in Chicago, which also happens to be the American city with the highest per capita consumption of Twinkies. Chicagoans who want their Twinkies gussied up can go to comfort-food restaurant Kitsch'n for Twinkie Tiramisu. Or they can get a fat infusion at hot dog shop Swank Frank, which sells those state fair favorites, deep-fried Twinkies.

The cakes' sturdiness and longevity have led to the myth, say Hostess officials, that Twinkies have a shelf life measured in years, even decades. Roger Bennatti, a science teacher at George Stevens Academy in Blue Hill, Maine, kept one perched atop his chalkboard for 30 years. ''It's rather brittle, but if you dusted it off, it's probably still edible,'' he told the Associated Press when he retired last year.

In reality, Twinkies' shelf life is more like 25 days, says Theresa Cogswell, who calls herself the Twinkie guru and is vice president for research and development at Interstate Bakeries, the parent company of Hostess. She admits she got a good laugh out of the 30-year-old Twinkie story but says she wouldn't want to eat one quite that old. ``You can eat older Twinkies, but they're just not as good as when they're fresh. Then they're awesome.''

Still, a 25-day shelf life is pretty long. That's because Twinkies contain no dairy-based ingredients. Twinkies are basically flour, sugar (three kinds of it), oil, eggs and chemicals (mainly preservatives and stabilizers). They're 150 calories each, about a third of that from fat. Cogswell doesn't think that's so bad. ''There's no bad foods -- just bad quantities,'' she says.



This article is from here.

Find out more about Twinkies here.

Word for the Day . . .

filibuster /fillibustr/

• noun:...prolonged speaking which obstructs progress in a legislative assembly.

• verb:...obstruct legislation with a filibuster.

— ORIGIN:...French flibustier, first applied to pirates who pillaged the Spanish colonies in the West Indies, influenced by Spanish filibustero; ultimately from Dutch vrijbuiter ‘freebooter.'

For all you Wendish pirates out there, pay attention and add this word to your vocabulary. Arrrgh!

Hunting Moose

From the inimitable Mr. Sushi comes this too-clean joke:

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got
a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the
return trip, the pilot said the plane could take
only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we
shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on
board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were
loaded. However, even on full power, the little
plane couldn't handle the load and went down
a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the
other, "Any idea where we are?" "Yaaah, I tink
we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

One less life?

From the AP wire:

INKOM, Idaho - Torri Hutchinson's cat might just have one less life to live. Hutchison was driving along Interstate 15 one day recently when a motorist kept trying to get her attention and pointing to the roof of her car.

She said she was wary of the man, but wondered if perhaps her ski rack might have come loose.

She pulled over to the side, but kept her doors locked and the motor running.

The man pulled up behind her. Hutchinson rolled down her window to hear the man frantically shouting, "Your cat! Your cat!"

He reached for the roof of her car and handed the shocked Hutchinson her orange tabby.

She had driven about 10 miles with the cat on top of the car, and didn't even notice the feline when she stopped for gas.

Hutchinson said Cuddle Bug, or C.B. for short, had climbed into the back of her car as she was getting ready to leave. She put him out, but he must have jumped on the roof while she wasn't looking, she said.

In honor of National Girlfriend and Sistahs Week

from my friend, Trice, to honor our friendship . . . and to honor my future as an Real-live Eccentric and Bag Lady -- cigar and all!

In honor of our friendship . . .

GREAT!

This is Cheyenne the GREAT Dane. He's catching some rays while waiting for his owner. How'd you like to get licked by them set of loose lips? (Photo taken by Amy Sancetta for AP Photo.)

GREAT Dane

Here he is again, cropped and filtered through Photoshop 7.0

Overheard

"Anybody know where we are?"
"I told you to take the left fork."
"Yeah, yeah."

Not only is it Monday, it's January 24th!

From an article in the London Guardian:

...today is the most depressing day of the year.

And if you want scientific proof, then Cliff Arnall of Cardiff University has it.

He settled on January 24 after using an elaborate formula expressing the delicate interplay of lousy weather, post-Christmas debt, time elapsed since yuletide indulgence, failed new year resolutions, motivation levels, and the desperate need to have something to look forward to.

In short, all that's left of Christmas today is credit card bills and a pervading sense that the next holiday is months away...

And I thought it was just one more gray-wool Michigan day that was depressing me!

Yahoo! It's a boy!

From CNN's Offbeat News comes this heartwarming story:

A Romanian couple named their son Yahoo as a sign of gratitude for meeting over the Internet, a Bucharest newspaper said Thursday.

Daily Libertatea said Cornelia and Nonu Dragoman, both from Transylvania, met and decided they were meant for each other following a three-month relationship over the net.

They married and had a baby this Christmas, whom they decided to name after one of the worldwide web's most popular portals. "We named him Lucian Yahoo after my father and the net, the main beacon of my life," Cornelia Dragoman was quoted as saying.

It's all about recycling . . .

From CNN:

Brothers recycle birthday card for 29 years.

... It's a card-swapping tradition that started in 1975, when Floyd first received the birthday card from his brother.

In it, Linus of the Peanuts comic strip tells the reader, "This is the age of ecology! Don't throw this card away. Recycle it to a friend."

Floyd took the advice and sent it back to Earl. Earl followed suit the following year. And so on and so on.

For 29 years the brothers have kept their same-card exchange going, freshening the card up with one-line messages that now have taken up most of the card's open space.

Floyd, 80, receives the card each year around his December 10 birthday, then kicks it back to Earl, 73, in time to acknowledge his birthday on January 31.

"It's getting worn out a little bit," Floyd said.

Happy Holidays!

While this is a little late, Bliggity Bloggity Blog wanted to acknowledge the beginning of the New Year. Aren't these little people cute??

They were photographed at Mount Auburn Hospital in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Their names are interesting and creative. From left: Karen Granados, 4 days old; Kennedy Mae O'Neill, 3 days old; Diego Novoa, 1 day old; Victoria Irizarry, 1 day old; Luke Harrison Insana, 3 days old; Spencer Bennett Kerr, 1 day old; and Trinity Belle Analambidakis, 4 days old.

My favorite is Trinity Belle (with thanks to CNN's Offbeat News).

Alleged sausage theft could be a call for help

We woke up Monday morning to find the dog scratching to be let into the house from the porch. There, lying on the floor of the porch was a big ol' sausage, at least a pound-and-a-half, if not two pounds. It looked like Cisco had begun nibbling on one end of it.

S just called me, alerting me to an article in the Free Press today entitled, "Alleged sausage theft could be a call for help."

Now, along with everything else, we have to worry about our kleptomaniac dog???