drink, drank, drunk

For a new source of silliness, we have Modern Drunkenness Magazine. Here are some nuggets of wisdom from their aptly titled, "Winos of Wisdom:"

“Oh, I’m not a drunk. I’m a drank. As in, I just drank all my beer. But I’m willing to be a drunk if you buy me a drink.”
Joan B., playing with words and men’s emotions outside the Carioca Cafe.

“I want all the booze in the world in this glass right now. All of it. Mix it up. I’ll drink every damn drop. Of course, I’m going to need a bigger glass.”
An ambitious yet pragmatic Tom H. wanting it all at the Lion’s Lair Lounge.

“Give me another glass of wine, and pour it strong this time.”
Annie G., 24, attempting to squeeze booze from a turnip at the Streets of London Pub.

“You’re not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.”
Scott Q. while desperately clawing at his living room carpet.

“Give me well scotch and top shelf water.”
Mary K. worrying about the wagon instead of the mule at Southpark Tavern.

“Go ahead and unload on me, man. I’m pretty sure I’m blacked out right now and won’t remember nothing.”
An extremely loaded, yet intensely self-aware patron at the High Street Speakeasy.

“You’re hard to remember, but easy to forget.”
Trish C., 24, dishing out a sweet burn at the Lion’s Lair.

"I want four stupid fruity shots. Stupid and fruity as you can make ‘em. Your choice. And a Jack Daniels neat.”
Name unknown, attempting to rescue his forsaken masculinity four shots too late at the Bar Bar.

“Grab hold me, boys! I’m about to rear up on my hind legs and take a bite outta the fuckin’ moon!”
Raymond L., 52, losing his composure but not his dreams at the Landmark Tavern.

Top Ten Bush Tax Proposals

From CNN:

Democrat John Kerry joked Monday on "The Late Show with David Letterman" about changes under President Bush's tax plan.

Kerry's "Top 10 Bush Tax Proposals" are:

10. No estate tax for families with at least two U.S. presidents.

9. W-2 Form is now Dubya-2 Form.

8. Under the simplified tax code, your refund check goes directly to Halliburton.

7. The reduced earned income tax credit is so unfair, it just makes me want to tear out my lustrous, finely groomed hair.

6. Attorney General (John) Ashcroft gets to write off the entire U.S. Constitution.

5. Texas Rangers can take a business loss for trading Sammy Sosa.

4. Eliminate all income taxes; just ask Teresa (Heinz Kerry) to cover the whole damn thing.

3. Cheney can claim Bush as a dependent.

2. Hundred-dollar penalty if you pronounce it "nuclear" instead of "nucular."

1. George W. Bush gets a deduction for mortgaging our entire future.

... flush with comments ...

Get this . . . talking toilets!

As an artistic venture, Leonard van Munster, an artist in Amsterdam, has outfitted public toilets with sensors that, upon sensing a person's presence, then start talking.

"You might consider sitting down next time," the toilet told a male Reuters reporter politely in a female robot voice. The next user was told that "The last visitor did not take heed of basic rules of hygiene."

Depending on circumstances, the toilet might remind you to wash your hands or ask you to lift the seat.

"It could suddenly start coughing and warn you about the dangers of cigarettes, or name all the cool movie stars who smoke. It just depends what mood it's in," van Munster said referring to people who sneak off to secretly have a puff.

Talk about an invasion of privacy!

Sometimes, I go to the bathroom to clear my thinking. In fact, I get some of my best ideas while in the bathroom! No talking toilets!

From CNN's Offbeat News.