Some comedic one-liners

These are all from a well-known comedian who I've never heard of, a-hhhemm, Steven Wright:

• Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up

... and my personal favorite: My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

with a shout-out to brother-in-law, Paul, for these.