What Bush will be remembered for?

from a Table Talk at Salon:

He got some brush cleared. He lowered the bar for the next president. He almost succeeded in uniting the Democratic Party. No one has ever been able to do that.

How can you call him a failure when he's achieved all that while taking a record number of vacation days?

Call him a failure, indeed!

Tornado Oddities

from the Associated Press and the St. Paul Pioneer Press:


HUGO, Minn. (AP) -- As residents in Hugo begin to move on from last week's tornado, some say they noticed a few bizarre things amid all the damage. Jason Akins said the twister unwound a roll of toilet paper in his bathroom - draped it across the countertop, then rewound it in the sink. The toilet paper didn't even rip.

"All I could say was, 'You have got to be kidding me,'" Akins recalled.

He also said that winds overturned sofas and ripped away his roof, but dishes of cat food and water were untouched. The cat food was actually still in the bowl.

While hurricanes, floods and blizzards create broad swaths of damage, tornados seem to have tiny fingers that can reach in to small areas and cause some weird mischief. Some say tornados have their own personalities.

Terry Clarkin said the Hugo tornado stuck four steak knives in the yard - and they landed in a perfect square, with the blades in the dirt about three inches.

Across the street, a tree had been stripped of leaves, and instead was filled with pink wads of insulation - looking much like a tree from a cartoon.

Some residents made interesting findings amid the wreckage.

Five-year-old Lauren Ford found a red Spider-Man T-shirt in her back yard. One neighbor found a fishing boat against the remains of a front porch. Others found canoes, checkbooks or toys.

Jeff Janus said the tornado protected him.

He was in his front yard when the storm hit, and he ran inside and grabbed his dog and cat.

"I saw people's houses flying by," he said. He didn't make it to the basement, but instead crouched down in the hallway, with one animal in each arm. He said the storm tore off the bedroom doors and placed them almost gently on top of him - shielding him from falling debris.

When the storm passed, he said, he spit shreds of insulation from his mouth, but he felt the doors saved him.

"I find it hard to believe I am actually here," said Janus.

REAL Dragons, ya know?

I found this article at Reuters Oddly Enough page. It's so charming I had to duplicate it here.

My friend Joe Nigg, channeling dragon buyer John Topsell, published a book called How to Raise and Keep a Dragon back in 2006. Joe has written a number of wonderful books about mythological and folkloric creatures, but this one had a particularly interesting story behind it--one that's still unfolding. As Joe explains, "A funny thing happened. The book went from a commissioned adult spoof of animal-raising guides to [being] marketing as an illustrated children's book. The book's surprisingly enthusiastic reception internationally (see matches for John Topsell on Google.com) has shown how fervently many young readers dream of raising their own dragon--and that many adults shared that dream as children, some apparently still believing there are such creatures."

Fueling this impression, Joe says that "Topsell lists fictitious Dragon Suppliers in the back of the book," a resource page that has, in part, led to a lot of correspondence from kids--a veritable outpouring. They run the gamut from literal belief and doubt to imaginary play. Sometimes, Joe says, he responds by writing, "John Topsell's dragons have been in myths and stories worldwide since time immemorial. But there are real animals called 'dragons': the Komodo Dragon of Indonesia (which grows up to 10 scary feet long!), and Chinese Bearded Dragons and Water Dragons, tiny lizards that people raise as pets. What I recommend is that you create your own imaginary Dragon friend. Select its breed, size, and color. Name it, and raise it as you read the book."

Below you'll find some wonderful (uncorrected) excerpts from the many emails and letters received by Joe, which once again show just how imaginative and passionate kids can be about the things they love.

I loved the book "How to Raise and Keep a Dragon." I live in California, but my parents are unwilling to drive to Dragon House, Inc. to get a miniature Standard Western Dragon. First of all, is there any way to get a dragon egg shipped here? And, my parents have no belief in dragons whatsoever. I need to find some way to get a dragon, no matter what the cost. In addition, I need to know how much they cost. Thanks! how long wold it take for a dragon to fly from canada to south america?

***

I am five years old. I want a Standard Western Dragon. I also want the Mushussu Dragon. I want the Piasa Dragon and the Dragon of India. Where can I get them? Can I have a dragon? That is it.

***

dose a baby dragon think your its mom wen it haches?

***

I have your book and I had wanted to purchase a mini western dragon so I looked in the resources and found a place to purchase a dragon from, so I looked on the internet to look up the place I wanted to get my dragon from, and when I searched it said:"Nothing matches your search."I obviously knew the place you mentioned in the resources wasn't real.I asked my dad to help me find a place where someone sold real dragons on the internet but my dad insisted they were not real.I NEED YOU TO GET ME A LINK FOR A FEW WHERE THEY SELL REAL DRAGONS ON THE INTERNET!!!

***

i saw the thing about mouthrot but how do you see it and kier it.

***

I read the book "How to raise and keep a dragon" and I think it's FANTASTIC. But still have questions I would like to ask. Does a dragon exists(I really really really wish it does.)? If so, can you please give me the phone numbers of the dragon suppliers in China (If [you] have them. If not,the addresses will be ok.)and send me a picture of a stanrd western dragon(green,if possible.), too. Thank you!

***

How big should a miniture dragons room be, at the smallest?

***

I am taking care of a standard western dragon and I am wondering where to buy riding equipment for it.

***

Why did you lie to me? I was so upset when I asked my mom where Babyon was, because I wanted to train a Mushussu dragon. She told me about how it was now Iraq and that it no longer exists. I hate you!

***

What if my dragon goes Buzerk and gets really mean? (not that it has)

***

I am an eleven year old fan of dragons, and I am wondering what you think about them. I must ask, do you truly believe dragons are/were real? Please answer truthfully, I do not like being misguided. I would like to discuss this topic more with you, if you don't mind.

***

I would like to know if you really have dragons because I would like to get one and I can't get one if they're not real.

***

I have a full grown European Dragon, a mini- European dragon, and a European Dragon egg, but where can I find a home for them in a mountain? (I am an excellent trainer but people keep spotting them and faint, while some call the police!) Please reply A.S.A.P.!!!!!!!!

***

Sounding silly but deadly serious?

Here's the headline I read in Salon.com:

Giant Sinkhole Opens in Mexico City

July 09,2007 | MEXICO CITY -- A giant sinkhole swallowed a stretch of street on Mexico City's east side, with one man feared dead and 30 families evacuated, authorities said Monday.

Even in a city where historic buildings regularly lean, crack, collapse or sink below sidewalk level due to excessive water extraction and unstable soil, the 45-foot-deep sinkhole -- which measures about 15 yards in diameter -- came as a shock.

It began as a giant crack late Saturday in the eastern Iztapalapa borough and rapidly worsened. The ground collapsed, swallowing a car, the facade of a one-story brick building and pavement.

A young man who was watching the spectacle also fell in, and emergency workers were digging with hand tools to try to recover his body, authorities said. His age was not immediately known.

"It is very highly unlikely" that the victim could still be found alive, said Mexico City Civil Defense Secretary Elias Moreno. "But as long as that possibility exists, we are digging very carefully to avoid hurting him if he is alive."

Fissures from the sinkhole extend outward for about 500 yards, raising the danger of additional collapses. Thirty families that live near those cracks were taken to shelters.

Moreno said are using cement to try to fill about 200 other cracks, fissures and sinkholes in Iztapalapa.

He blamed them on the city's triple problem of earthquakes, which cause cracks; the excessive extraction of ground water, which causes sinking, and heavy torrential rains, which make surface soil more likely to collapse.

Mexico City sinks an average of 3 to 4 inches each year.

Written by MARK STEVENSON, Associated Press Writer

If it weren't so deadly, it'd be tremendously funny, the stuff of Looney Tunes and laughable silliness.

Neither entitled nor qualified

From the inimitable and unrepressable Onion:

CHICAGO—In a surprising refutation of the conventional wisdom on opinion entitlement, a study conducted by the University of Chicago's School for Behavioral Science concluded that more than one-third of the U.S. population is neither entitled nor qualified to have opinions.

"On topics from evolution to the environment to gay marriage to immigration reform, we found that many of the opinions expressed were so off-base and ill-informed that they actually hurt society by being voiced," said chief researcher Professor Mark Fultz, who based the findings on hundreds of telephone, office, and dinner-party conversations compiled over a three-year period. "While people have long asserted that it takes all kinds, our research shows that American society currently has a drastic oversupply of the kinds who don't have any good or worthwhile thoughts whatsoever. We could actually do just fine without them."

In 2002, Fultz's team shook the academic world by conclusively proving the existence of both bad ideas during brainstorming and dumb questions during question-and-answer sessions.

You can say that again! hee-hee-hee.

Can we learn from the ants?

Now that Memorial Day has come and gone, summer is officially here. If you live in Michigan, you know it's also the season of the dreaded ORANGE BARRELS. Time for road construction, lane closures, orange barrels and interminable delays. Read on:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Army ants tired of potholes take one for the team, throwing their bodies into rough spots to make a smoother road for their sisters, British researchers reported on Sunday.

They found that army ants of Central and South America match their own bodies to the size of the hole they want to plug. Several may plunge together to fill in bigger holes, they report in the journal Animal Behaviour.

Scott Powell and Nigel Franks of the University of Bristol studied an army ant species called Eciton burchellii, which march across the forests of Central and South America in swarms of up to 200,000.

These raiders always remain connected to the nest by a trail of other ants. But this highway of living ants can be extremely uneven as it passes over leaves and branches on the forest floor.

So a few of the ants climb into the dips to make a smooth road.

"When it comes to rapid road repairs, the ants have their own do-it-yourself highways agency," Franks said in a statement.

"When the traffic has passed, the down-trodden ants climb out of the potholes and follow their nest mates home," Powell added.

"Broadly, our research demonstrates that a simple but highly specialized behavior performed by a minority of ant workers can improve the performance of the majority, resulting in a clear benefit for the society as a whole."

...

"I think every road user who has ever inwardly cursed as their vehicle bounced across a pothole -- jarring every bone in their body -- will identify with this story," said Franks.

Most ant species are believed to live in large colonies of sisters, all with the same mothers. Males are also sometimes produced, but only under certain circumstances.

From this article.

Bubba, getchur gun

I'm shaking my head over this one:

He can barely walk or talk, but 11-month-old "Bubba" Ludwig is already a fully paid up member of America's firearms fraternity, with a 12-gauge Beretta shotgun and a gun permit to his name.

The shotgun was a gift from his grandfather who bought it as an heirloom for his grandson when the infant was just two-weeks-old.

The gun permit came courtesy of the Illinois state authorities last month.

Who's your daddy?

Here's a story that highlights that even DNA technology has its limits:

Twin brothers Raymon and Richard Miller are the father and uncle to a 3-year-old little girl. The problem is, they don't know which is which. Or who is who.

The identical Missouri twins say they were unknowingly having sex with the same woman. And according to the woman's testimony, she had sex with each man on the same day. Within hours of each other.

When the woman in question, Holly Marie Adams, got pregnant, she named Raymon the father, but he contested and demanded a paternity test, bringing his own brother Richard to court.

But a paternity test in this case could not help. The test showed that both brothers have over a 99.9 percent probability of being the daddy— and neither one wants to pay the child support. The result of the test has not only brought to light the limits of DNA evidence, it has also led to a three-year legal battle, a Miller family feud and a little girl who may never know who her real father is.

"'Did you sleep with him [Richard Miller] while in Sikeston for the rodeo?'," Cameron Parker, Richard's lawyer, said she asked Holly Marie Adams in 2003 court testimony, to which she answered "'Yes ma'am.'" "She then said she went to appellant's [Raymon Miller's]home where they had sex later that night or early the next morning," Parker said.

All I can say is "Wow!"

Playdough recipe

Cleaning out some old .txt files, I found a recipe for homemade Playdough. I had even copied the link to the original webpage, but alas, that appears to be long gone. Here's a more up-to-date (and hopefully) safe recipe for young kids and old kids alike.

Colored Playdough

Materials

• 1 cup water
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• 1/2 cup salt
• 1 tablespoon cream of tartar
• Food coloring
• Saucepan
• 1 cup flour

Directions

1. Combine water, oil, salt, cream of tartar, and food coloring in a saucepan and heat until warm.
2. Remove from heat and add flour.
3. Stir, then knead until smooth. The cream of tartar makes this dough last 6 months or longer, so resist the temptation to omit this ingredient if you don't have it on hand.
4. Store this dough in an airtight container or a Ziploc freezer bag.

Time, anyone?

We've added a new world clock to our blog. Check it out ... at the top of this column.

Measuring how long bells will bong ...

I haven't cribbed a story from CNN's Offbeat section in a while. Here's one that is more interesting (to me) than offbeat:

VIENNA, Austria (Reuters) -- With the precision of a surgeon, Andreas Rupp carefully wraps sensor strips around a 21-ton bell in Vienna's famous St Stephen's Cathedral.

Europe's second-largest bell, nicknamed Pummerin, is one of several famous bells across the continent being checked to determine their life spans, and unlock the secret of the optimum chime.

Using acceleration sensors and echo microphones, the sensor strips are like electro-cardiograms that determine the health of human hearts, Rupp said.

"The Pummerin is well," determines Rupp, a project scientist and professor at the Polytechnic College in the German city of Kempten. "We just want to know how long it can be healthy and if there is any risk she could crack like so many others."

Hamburg's Millennium Bell has undergone the examination, and bells in Paris' Notre Dame Cathedral and London's St. Paul's Cathedral -- which British partners in the project favored over Big Ben in the Houses of Parliament -- are lined up as the next patients.

The project was triggered by a debate 10 years ago among bell-makers who wanted to determine if bell clappers were hitting the right spot.

Every time a clapper hits, it causes a slight deformation and strains the metal, mostly bronze or bronze alloys. Experts say the location and force of the clapper's hit -- as well as what it is made of -- will have an effect. The sensors record how hard the hit, how deformed the bell is, and its chime.

Dangers also lurk in modernization, they add.

Churches opting for mechanical, even computerized systems over human ringers might shorten their bells' lifespan, some say. Others think a switch from softer clappers to steel ones about 100 years ago has added to the damage.

"Many fear historic bells could be damaged severely or even destroyed by this new way of ringing," Rupp said.
Human ears needed

"Computers chime the bells as they were programmed to do. Humans can always use their hearing, and go 'oh, that didn't sound so nice,' or 'ouch, that was much too hard'," he said.

In the past it would have taken about 10 people to chime the Pummerin, but now it happens at the flick of a switch. Since the bell has only been in action for around 50 years, it might still have plenty of bongs in it yet.

Its predecessor was cast in 1711 with metal from cannon balls used by the Turks during an unsuccessful siege of the city in 1683, but was destroyed in World War Two.

The current bell was cast from remainders of the old one and new material in 1952.

Even if the Pummerin is a youngster in bell terms, Peter Grassmayr, a 14th-generation bell-founder and the Austrian partner in the project, has no doubt about its destiny.

"One day or another, every bell will crack," said Grassmayr standing next to the bell, which spans more than 3 meters and is nearly the same height. "We simply hope to extend their life span with our project."

Sparing usage can also work in a bell's favor. Many great bells -- like Big Ben in the Houses of Parliament in London -- ring daily or hourly but the Pummerin only chimes on special occasions, like high church days, the death of a pope or at midnight on New Year's Eve.

For Austrians themselves, the Pummerin is not just a bell but a symbol of their identity that marks big events throughout their lives, said the dome's priest Toni Faber.

"It is a voice of freedom, a voice of hardship, a voice of hope and a voice of a new life," he said, proudly glancing at the Pummerin. "I can hear all that when I hear the Pummerin."

Have you heard about B Flat?

I just discovered a most interesting NPR story that first aired on February 16th (my sweetie's birthday!). Here's their blurb on this audio story:

For reasons that remain mostly mysterious, the note we call "B flat" does the oddest things. It aggravates alligators, it lurks in the stairwell of an office building, and it emanates from a supermassive black hole 250 million light years from Earth.

Listen and be delighted: Have You Heard about B Flat?

Drunk gets the munchies!

from MSNBC:

A Russian man stopped by police for allegedly driving drunk tried to swallow his keys and then bit an officer who tried to retrieve them, a Russian news agency reported Tuesday.

Don't mess with a hungry Russian!

247 of what?

If I imagine eating 247 of ANY thing (except maybe Pringles), all I can think is: OUCH!

From the AP:

Man eats 247 jalapenos to win contest

A 62-year-old retired accountant from Nevada swallowed 247 peppers in eight minutes to win the Jalapeno Eating World Championship at the State Fair of Texas.

Richard LeFevre won $2,000 for prevailing in Sunday's contest, which was sponsored by the International Federation of Competitive Eating.

"I love to eat, and I love to compete, so the two go pretty well together," said LeFevre, the world's eighth-ranked eater according to the federation.

LeFevre, who has also won the fair's World Corny Dog Eating Contest three times, said his winning strategy was to mix three or four peppers in his mouth with a swig of milk before swallowing.

LeFevre was one of four professional eaters who took the top four places in the competition.

Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas said she had never eaten a jalapeno before the contest. Ranked third in the world by the federation, she downed 239 peppers to take second place and $1,000 in prize money.

Christopher Huang, of Arlington, entered the competition even though he doesn't normally eat spicy foods.

"I eat mild salsa," Huang said. "But there's nothing like putting yourself through a lot of pain for no reason."

The 26-year-old required several minutes of recovery time after eating 53 jalapenos.

"I cant feel my face," he said when he was able to speak again.

Dr. Daniel DeMarco, a gastroenterologist and director of endoscopy at Baylor University Medical Center at Dallas, said the amount of jalapenos consumed in an eating contest is more harmful than the burn.

"It's really pretty stupid," DeMarco said. "Like any sort of abuse of your body, it doesn't make any sense."

He said long-term complications are unlikely, but there are some risks.

"If they get sick, they're going to be vomiting it up, and that can cause esophageal tears," he said.

Who can say it like him?

Do or do not. There is no try.

--Yoda, 'The Empire Strikes Back'

Bliggity's new O-FISH-UHL SEAL

Generated where else? -- the Official Seal Generator! Check it out -- it's FUN!

Kicked out!

It's pretty tough when you're kicked out of an elite club of nine.

Read this succinct little article:

PRAGUE, Czech Republic — Leading astronomers have declared that Pluto is no longer a planet in approving new guidelines that downsize the solar system from nine planets to eight.

The END.

Bye, Pluto. Sorry you can't be in the club anymore.

Rocky and Bullwinkle go ASCII

I LOVE Rocky and Bullwinkle! Check out this site for some fun ASCII artwork.

Is hell exothermic or endothermic?

[from an email I received]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat).

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct .. leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

Punnies for Friday

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and gotmarried. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent fifteen different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.