Neither entitled nor qualified

From the inimitable and unrepressable Onion:

CHICAGO—In a surprising refutation of the conventional wisdom on opinion entitlement, a study conducted by the University of Chicago's School for Behavioral Science concluded that more than one-third of the U.S. population is neither entitled nor qualified to have opinions.

"On topics from evolution to the environment to gay marriage to immigration reform, we found that many of the opinions expressed were so off-base and ill-informed that they actually hurt society by being voiced," said chief researcher Professor Mark Fultz, who based the findings on hundreds of telephone, office, and dinner-party conversations compiled over a three-year period. "While people have long asserted that it takes all kinds, our research shows that American society currently has a drastic oversupply of the kinds who don't have any good or worthwhile thoughts whatsoever. We could actually do just fine without them."

In 2002, Fultz's team shook the academic world by conclusively proving the existence of both bad ideas during brainstorming and dumb questions during question-and-answer sessions.

You can say that again! hee-hee-hee.

Can we learn from the ants?

Now that Memorial Day has come and gone, summer is officially here. If you live in Michigan, you know it's also the season of the dreaded ORANGE BARRELS. Time for road construction, lane closures, orange barrels and interminable delays. Read on:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Army ants tired of potholes take one for the team, throwing their bodies into rough spots to make a smoother road for their sisters, British researchers reported on Sunday.

They found that army ants of Central and South America match their own bodies to the size of the hole they want to plug. Several may plunge together to fill in bigger holes, they report in the journal Animal Behaviour.

Scott Powell and Nigel Franks of the University of Bristol studied an army ant species called Eciton burchellii, which march across the forests of Central and South America in swarms of up to 200,000.

These raiders always remain connected to the nest by a trail of other ants. But this highway of living ants can be extremely uneven as it passes over leaves and branches on the forest floor.

So a few of the ants climb into the dips to make a smooth road.

"When it comes to rapid road repairs, the ants have their own do-it-yourself highways agency," Franks said in a statement.

"When the traffic has passed, the down-trodden ants climb out of the potholes and follow their nest mates home," Powell added.

"Broadly, our research demonstrates that a simple but highly specialized behavior performed by a minority of ant workers can improve the performance of the majority, resulting in a clear benefit for the society as a whole."

...

"I think every road user who has ever inwardly cursed as their vehicle bounced across a pothole -- jarring every bone in their body -- will identify with this story," said Franks.

Most ant species are believed to live in large colonies of sisters, all with the same mothers. Males are also sometimes produced, but only under certain circumstances.

From this article.

Bubba, getchur gun

I'm shaking my head over this one:

He can barely walk or talk, but 11-month-old "Bubba" Ludwig is already a fully paid up member of America's firearms fraternity, with a 12-gauge Beretta shotgun and a gun permit to his name.

The shotgun was a gift from his grandfather who bought it as an heirloom for his grandson when the infant was just two-weeks-old.

The gun permit came courtesy of the Illinois state authorities last month.

Who's your daddy?

Here's a story that highlights that even DNA technology has its limits:

Twin brothers Raymon and Richard Miller are the father and uncle to a 3-year-old little girl. The problem is, they don't know which is which. Or who is who.

The identical Missouri twins say they were unknowingly having sex with the same woman. And according to the woman's testimony, she had sex with each man on the same day. Within hours of each other.

When the woman in question, Holly Marie Adams, got pregnant, she named Raymon the father, but he contested and demanded a paternity test, bringing his own brother Richard to court.

But a paternity test in this case could not help. The test showed that both brothers have over a 99.9 percent probability of being the daddy— and neither one wants to pay the child support. The result of the test has not only brought to light the limits of DNA evidence, it has also led to a three-year legal battle, a Miller family feud and a little girl who may never know who her real father is.

"'Did you sleep with him [Richard Miller] while in Sikeston for the rodeo?'," Cameron Parker, Richard's lawyer, said she asked Holly Marie Adams in 2003 court testimony, to which she answered "'Yes ma'am.'" "She then said she went to appellant's [Raymon Miller's]home where they had sex later that night or early the next morning," Parker said.

All I can say is "Wow!"

Playdough recipe

Cleaning out some old .txt files, I found a recipe for homemade Playdough. I had even copied the link to the original webpage, but alas, that appears to be long gone. Here's a more up-to-date (and hopefully) safe recipe for young kids and old kids alike.

Colored Playdough

Materials

• 1 cup water
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• 1/2 cup salt
• 1 tablespoon cream of tartar
• Food coloring
• Saucepan
• 1 cup flour

Directions

1. Combine water, oil, salt, cream of tartar, and food coloring in a saucepan and heat until warm.
2. Remove from heat and add flour.
3. Stir, then knead until smooth. The cream of tartar makes this dough last 6 months or longer, so resist the temptation to omit this ingredient if you don't have it on hand.
4. Store this dough in an airtight container or a Ziploc freezer bag.

Time, anyone?

We've added a new world clock to our blog. Check it out ... at the top of this column.

Measuring how long bells will bong ...

I haven't cribbed a story from CNN's Offbeat section in a while. Here's one that is more interesting (to me) than offbeat:

VIENNA, Austria (Reuters) -- With the precision of a surgeon, Andreas Rupp carefully wraps sensor strips around a 21-ton bell in Vienna's famous St Stephen's Cathedral.

Europe's second-largest bell, nicknamed Pummerin, is one of several famous bells across the continent being checked to determine their life spans, and unlock the secret of the optimum chime.

Using acceleration sensors and echo microphones, the sensor strips are like electro-cardiograms that determine the health of human hearts, Rupp said.

"The Pummerin is well," determines Rupp, a project scientist and professor at the Polytechnic College in the German city of Kempten. "We just want to know how long it can be healthy and if there is any risk she could crack like so many others."

Hamburg's Millennium Bell has undergone the examination, and bells in Paris' Notre Dame Cathedral and London's St. Paul's Cathedral -- which British partners in the project favored over Big Ben in the Houses of Parliament -- are lined up as the next patients.

The project was triggered by a debate 10 years ago among bell-makers who wanted to determine if bell clappers were hitting the right spot.

Every time a clapper hits, it causes a slight deformation and strains the metal, mostly bronze or bronze alloys. Experts say the location and force of the clapper's hit -- as well as what it is made of -- will have an effect. The sensors record how hard the hit, how deformed the bell is, and its chime.

Dangers also lurk in modernization, they add.

Churches opting for mechanical, even computerized systems over human ringers might shorten their bells' lifespan, some say. Others think a switch from softer clappers to steel ones about 100 years ago has added to the damage.

"Many fear historic bells could be damaged severely or even destroyed by this new way of ringing," Rupp said.
Human ears needed

"Computers chime the bells as they were programmed to do. Humans can always use their hearing, and go 'oh, that didn't sound so nice,' or 'ouch, that was much too hard'," he said.

In the past it would have taken about 10 people to chime the Pummerin, but now it happens at the flick of a switch. Since the bell has only been in action for around 50 years, it might still have plenty of bongs in it yet.

Its predecessor was cast in 1711 with metal from cannon balls used by the Turks during an unsuccessful siege of the city in 1683, but was destroyed in World War Two.

The current bell was cast from remainders of the old one and new material in 1952.

Even if the Pummerin is a youngster in bell terms, Peter Grassmayr, a 14th-generation bell-founder and the Austrian partner in the project, has no doubt about its destiny.

"One day or another, every bell will crack," said Grassmayr standing next to the bell, which spans more than 3 meters and is nearly the same height. "We simply hope to extend their life span with our project."

Sparing usage can also work in a bell's favor. Many great bells -- like Big Ben in the Houses of Parliament in London -- ring daily or hourly but the Pummerin only chimes on special occasions, like high church days, the death of a pope or at midnight on New Year's Eve.

For Austrians themselves, the Pummerin is not just a bell but a symbol of their identity that marks big events throughout their lives, said the dome's priest Toni Faber.

"It is a voice of freedom, a voice of hardship, a voice of hope and a voice of a new life," he said, proudly glancing at the Pummerin. "I can hear all that when I hear the Pummerin."

Have you heard about B Flat?

I just discovered a most interesting NPR story that first aired on February 16th (my sweetie's birthday!). Here's their blurb on this audio story:

For reasons that remain mostly mysterious, the note we call "B flat" does the oddest things. It aggravates alligators, it lurks in the stairwell of an office building, and it emanates from a supermassive black hole 250 million light years from Earth.

Listen and be delighted: Have You Heard about B Flat?

Drunk gets the munchies!

from MSNBC:

A Russian man stopped by police for allegedly driving drunk tried to swallow his keys and then bit an officer who tried to retrieve them, a Russian news agency reported Tuesday.

Don't mess with a hungry Russian!

247 of what?

If I imagine eating 247 of ANY thing (except maybe Pringles), all I can think is: OUCH!

From the AP:

Man eats 247 jalapenos to win contest

A 62-year-old retired accountant from Nevada swallowed 247 peppers in eight minutes to win the Jalapeno Eating World Championship at the State Fair of Texas.

Richard LeFevre won $2,000 for prevailing in Sunday's contest, which was sponsored by the International Federation of Competitive Eating.

"I love to eat, and I love to compete, so the two go pretty well together," said LeFevre, the world's eighth-ranked eater according to the federation.

LeFevre, who has also won the fair's World Corny Dog Eating Contest three times, said his winning strategy was to mix three or four peppers in his mouth with a swig of milk before swallowing.

LeFevre was one of four professional eaters who took the top four places in the competition.

Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas said she had never eaten a jalapeno before the contest. Ranked third in the world by the federation, she downed 239 peppers to take second place and $1,000 in prize money.

Christopher Huang, of Arlington, entered the competition even though he doesn't normally eat spicy foods.

"I eat mild salsa," Huang said. "But there's nothing like putting yourself through a lot of pain for no reason."

The 26-year-old required several minutes of recovery time after eating 53 jalapenos.

"I cant feel my face," he said when he was able to speak again.

Dr. Daniel DeMarco, a gastroenterologist and director of endoscopy at Baylor University Medical Center at Dallas, said the amount of jalapenos consumed in an eating contest is more harmful than the burn.

"It's really pretty stupid," DeMarco said. "Like any sort of abuse of your body, it doesn't make any sense."

He said long-term complications are unlikely, but there are some risks.

"If they get sick, they're going to be vomiting it up, and that can cause esophageal tears," he said.

Who can say it like him?

Do or do not. There is no try.

--Yoda, 'The Empire Strikes Back'

Bliggity's new O-FISH-UHL SEAL

Generated where else? -- the Official Seal Generator! Check it out -- it's FUN!

Kicked out!

It's pretty tough when you're kicked out of an elite club of nine.

Read this succinct little article:

PRAGUE, Czech Republic — Leading astronomers have declared that Pluto is no longer a planet in approving new guidelines that downsize the solar system from nine planets to eight.

The END.

Bye, Pluto. Sorry you can't be in the club anymore.

Rocky and Bullwinkle go ASCII

I LOVE Rocky and Bullwinkle! Check out this site for some fun ASCII artwork.

Is hell exothermic or endothermic?

[from an email I received]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat).

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct .. leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

Punnies for Friday

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and gotmarried. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent fifteen different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Patches the Horse

http://www.prezence.com/images/PatchestheHorse1.wmv

'Tis the season

From USAToday:

Gold teeth donated to Salvation Army kettle

YORK, Pa. (AP) — The Salvation Army is starting to get used to golden rings appearing in its red kettles. But gold teeth?

A worker tallying collections Thursday found a pair of golden molars in a plastic bag inside a kettle, said Maj. Darren Mudge of the non-profit organization in York County.

"I have no clue what we are going to do with them," Mudge said. "It's a wonderful gesture, I guess."

Less than two weeks ago, Salvation Army workers wondered if three golden rings placed in two kettles were generous donations or lost items.

Mudge joked at the time that workers would keep checking for two more rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.

Then, two more golden rings appeared. Followed by 13 more. That's an unprecedented 18 so far this year.

"I think people have picked up on it, and now it's a trend," Mudge said.

In Lancaster County, the Salvation Army has received five or six golden rings this year, Maj. Timothy Lyle said.

Lyle said the Lancaster County agency hasn't received teeth this year but has in years past. Gold dental parts are not as valuable as coins and rings, he said, but can still be exchanged for money.

The talking clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong? " one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock, " the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? " asked his astonished friend.

"Yup, " replied the drunk.

"How's it work? " the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch, " the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

Destructive Disease

CDC Warning

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years.

Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic
overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.